healing and finding happy

       

Wanna know something difficult? 

Healing and re-wiring you're brain after years of abuse. Learning and embracing the you that is re-emerging from the ashes, however I will say that once you embrace that new you gosh it feels amazing. You have shifted into this new beautiful boundary setting soul. After so many years of non-stop chaos you start to really crave the calm. The calm is all I want and will accept (with a slightest bit of harmless chaos for a lil bit of spice). 

    7 years of what I thought was heaven turned into a hell I didn't know how to get out of. His anger was a serious problem and as It got worse I became more scared I feared for myself and my children. I had my stuff packed up for 4 months and he didn't even bat an eye... beg me to unpack them and it would get better nothing of that sort, instead I got told "you decided to pack you're things I didn't make you"(went back to playing video games) .   I always had to make up stories as to why my eye was black (feeding them the stories I was told to tell) I had a muscle spasm and dropped a can on my face from the pantry shelf, or the dog dug a hole in the backyard and I didn't see it and fell in it. It was always something stupid and I was dreading him even coming home from work I enjoyed him being gone it was the only peace I got unless I went on my nightly walks but even then he's trying to fight on the phone and I would just ignore him. I had to find a way to leave and I wasn't sure how I had to wait til it got bad again is what I had thought to myself and sure enough it did and it started over the water hose... of all things which ended with me being shoved into my daughters doorframe at 105 pounds ( mind you I also have degenerative disc) and she tried to catch me from there we got picked up and left my children and I were free from his grasp (we left beginning of sept 2024. 

    Forward to now To the calm....man it feels wonderful there's still some unwanted chaos but that's expected. I am really discovering and finding myself the universe has been letting me know a lot lately that I am on the right path and good things are happening and they are! I got a wonderful job, an amazing man who realistically is probably the calmest and healthiest relationship I have EVER been in and I am 1000% all in. I am building my credit and looking for a place for myself and my children and my gastroparesis has calmed down tremendously since I have left that relationship which means less flare ups and I am slowly gaining my energy back. LIstening to the universe and nature a lot more connecting with the earth, working out and following my diet what's even more wonderful is I finally feel like I can breathe and enjoy life more than I ever could before. I'm still healing in a lot of ways I have my moments I'm just learning to breathe through them and accept my flaws instead of downing myself for them. Following through with my shadow work is also a part of it which can be difficult you bring so much of yourself and your past to the surface and face it and it's very important to do in the healing process (I have to remind myself to do everything with sticky notes or alarms for reminders). 

    Things that I personally feel like help me in the healing process with everything is being outside. I love being outside I love soaking up the sunlight, the moonlight I even prefer to meditate outside in the woods or somewhere quite outside I believe it helps you get into the mindset. Journaling helps or therapy even. I'm not in any type of therapy after everything that happened I should be but instead I do all of these things I engulf myself into music and I watch the 2bebetter podcasts (youtube or spotify) and I will tell you listening to their podcasts has helped me realize so much about myself and the situations I have been in. I almost feel its better than real therapy LOL! Listening to the laughter of my kids is healing for me it makes me happy something new I can add is the wonderful new man who has entered my life unexpectedly I do believe that the best things in life will happen when you least expect it and I plan on dancing with him seeing where life takes us. (off to work to be continued...)